Before you start reading, you should know this is a very long and very reflective post. It may be that it is really only for my own conscious recharging and healing. But I share it, in case it can bring similar healing to another. If the it isn’t your “cup-of-tea” and you don’t want to ready it, that is ok. This is my journey.
Yesterday, I was very frustrated with my health. I still had a headache! and I was feeling the congestion in my sinuses still. It seems like I have had a perpetual sinus infection all year! I use my essential oils and they help me breathe better but I can’t seem to kick it. I was wondering if I do need to go into a doctor and see if they can help me kick it. But will they really test to see if it is viral or bacteria? or will they just blindly prescribe? What if it is just one after another thing? And I have been fortunate that it isn’t worse because I do use the oils? What if my sinus structure is too small? Of course I had a head/brain scan back when my migraines were awful and very frequent. Wouldn’t they have seen if there was an issue?
Is all the health progress I have had over the years in my head? (haha) No, really. Was I just placebo-ing it? Or was it real, but it is just another deeper level of healing I need to attend to? I was trying to talk through these feelings, worries and frustrations, with my husband, on the way back from buying a dissolving cold/pain medicine with my husband. (Dissolving the pain medicine is the best way for me to address my head aches. But since moving from Sweden, I can’t find any pharmacies that support it this way. So to get the dissolving pain medicine I have to get it in a cold medicine. And well, I do have congestion that is plaguing me. (Although, I totally believe that you can’t medicate a cold…. But this is how I can actually get the pain to go down. And I really wanted a good nights sleep.)
Back to talking it over with my husband… He wanted me to try to do some belief-breakthrough feeling that there was more to my health issues than merely physical pain and infection. At first, I resisted. In my pain I was doubting the reality of healing my spirit through this method just as I was doubting my bodies ability to physically heal.
He wisely let me keep talking through my doubts and thoughts as they came. A thought struck me and I shared it as I developed it in my mind. Maybe it is like getting rid of our debts. If we look at the whole picture, it is still overwhelming. But we are working at it. Step-by-step payment-by-payment, education and application, we are making regular progress. We are putting accelerated percentages of our income towards the debts. And while we are still looking at a couple years of debt we will be past the late debt and fees that we incurred while we couldn’t pay between jobs. A career switch, that while it set us behind initially, is enabling us to address our financial goal as our old career and opportunities would not ever do. So yes, we have big debts. Mostly in the category that financial advisers have called good debt. Student loans. House loans. But we are making consistent regular progress.
My health is like our debt. I am in debt. It is overwhelming if I look at the distance that seems to need to be covered. And if I look at the payment, installments that I need to make right now. I am be overwhelmed. It seems all I have done hasn’t gotten me anywhere. I only look at how I feel in the moment because it is blocking my ability to see (feel) everything else. But I have made progress. I have peeled back the layers of the perpetual migraines. (Now I am working on sinus headaches). That progress was made through inspired baby steps over several years. I tried to find help from the doctors (hence the brain scan) but even the specialist could only”you are clear on the scan, it l seems like you have a good handle on your progress with understanding your migraines and in overcoming it. Keep at it and come back if there is a negative turn for the worse.” I did keep improving until I was down to one migraine a month (and that was tied to my womanly hormone cycle).
At the same time as all of this I was on the road to improving my emotional health.
I had reached a climax of good health a year ago. I was off depression medicine and functioning and I was down to one migraine a month. I was starting to run again and NOT getting head aches because of it. I was sleeping a normal 8 hours a night (instead of 10) and not needing a nap every day. (I also had pretty good control of my restless legs and bone aches.) And this was while we were in-between the jobs. That change dragged on even though we new what the job would be, we couldn’t start until things out of our control lined up. So we had no income. Debt was growing. But we learned the belief breakthrough process and I was healthy! Not broken. It was stressful but I could do it.
Maybe that is why the pain now is so… Painful. I tasted health in a way I had never experienced. Our understanding of our children’s autism was at a point that combined with my health, we had the best relationship we had ever had with our oldest. We were dreaming big. Life was full of promise.
But within a half-year it seemed I had lost all that. Headaches were increasing in frequency. I was depressed. My kids were struggling with the adjustment to living in yet another foreign country and so was I. Did the supplements not work anymore? I thought it was a balance of the right minerals… but I was still doing that. I went without my supplements one or two days and was hit with migraines and increased bone/body aches. So I figured they were helping. I started addressing my emotional health. I started using essential oils targeted for emotional balance on a daily basis and as needed. And I went back on my depression medicine, then upped it to the old dose.
That improved immensely. I had hope again. We got passed the adjustment phase of homeschooling with the kids. Now I am feeling the blessings of doing it as all the family relationships are stronger. I love learning with my kids and I can tailor our education to their needs. One of my children is motivated in school as he NEVER was.
All of this is like installments to paying of my health debt. Anyone bit, doesn’t seem like much. Especially as I need to sleep more again, and don’t sleep well. I use oils to open my breathing and half way through the night I wake up, plugged up and have to re-apply. Sometimes I can go back to sleep. Sometimes I can’t. My bones are aching a lot. My neck and shoulders are always tight and my back feels out and my knee hurts. Old friends- that seem to have just been lurking beneath the surface have made their appearance in the same and modified ways.
So comparing my health to our finances helped me to tune back into the blessings and the progress. That helped me to start searching for the belief breakthrough I needed. Why does it seem like I need to be sick?
If I am healthy then there won’t be a reason to move back to my home state, we can keep living abroad. I am afraid. I want so badly to move “home” and next to my “little” sister (best friend throughout my whole life and where we have stayed each time we are between countries.)
As we have seen progress for our finances our dreams for the future have seemed to be possible. And we openly talk and plan with our children. Our relationships with them are incredible! We make decisions as a united family. We make music more and more a part of our life and it is HEALING!
But my anxiety is increasing. I have acknowledged what I want most. I want to live next to my sister or down the street (on the same side so I don’t have to worry about kids crossing the road). My sister told me there are four yards touching hers, so any one of them would enable a gate and direct access.
My reality growing up was move. Move. MOVE. All the time. So when friends talked about living on the same street I “wisely” stayed out of the discussion. Now I want that with my sister. And I fear my “wisdom” was correct, ‘it will never happen that way’.
What are the beliefs that are limiting me?
“Because I want it, I won’t get it.” “I can’t be healthy.” “If I am healthy I don’t have a reason to move back ‘home.'” I have a huge sense of mission and I feel like I am giving up on it and my dreams of before if we go back. I am letting God, and my husband down. “I don’t deserve it.” “I can’t deal with strong emotions.”
So all of these were bouncing around as I am trying to figure out what is at the crux. But as I landed on “I can’t deal with strong emotions”, we both new that is what I needed to address. My husband guided me as I discovered what this limiting belief was costing me. It manifested itself right away. I wanted to hit something, but held in that sensation and my arms started aching immediately. It led to this one, “strong emotions, lead to a loss of control.” “When strong emotions are present I have to shut off my feelings, or get out of the situation.” As I told Daniel what I had felt in my arms as I was struggling with my emotions, I cried. I hid under my covers. “What is that belief costing you?” he asked. The answer just came, “My health. My body is fighting with itself. My aching bones, muscles, tight neck and back, my hurting knee. Headaches. Depression. ” (WHAT? WOW!) “Depression is because I shut off my feelings. The strong emotions are trapped in my body and manifest in sickness and pain because I won’t release it.” “But releasing it is dangerous. Strong emotions lead to a lack of control, ruined relationships.”
Putting it into words exposed the ridiculousness. Usually the turn around is a simple flip of the statement. So I tried that. “I can express strong emotions in controlled, positive ways.” Daniel asked me how that felt. It felt good. So good. But in my mind I didn’t know what those ways were. We explored. That is why I loved playing the piano so much as a teenager. I could pound or pour out my emotions and it was positive. This is why I love singing musical theater. I can sing out my emotion! Music is one of my controlled positive outlets. (but I don’t have a piano right now and my voice is hurting lately. I expressed, that I couldn’t see the ways that I could express, strong emotions, in positive ways at this point in my life. Daniel directed me back to the feeling, it felt good. So hold on to that. That is the layer of the onion I need now. Keep telling myself that. The ways will come.
I express strong emotions in controlled, positive ways.
While I kept being drawn back to the feeling of release that I used to feel when I played an emotional song that ranged the keys and left my fingers tires, I wondered how can I get that physical release now? I don’t have a piano. But I kept reminding myself to not worry about how just yet. I was exhausted. So I was going to let the feeling of expressing strong emotion in positive ways take me to sleep as I pictured a strong army going through my body and knocking out the tension and aches.
Old Limiting Belief: “
I can’t deal with strong emotions.”” Strong emotions, lead to a loss of control.”
New Freeing Belief: “I express strong emotions in controlled, positive and healthy ways.”
And so I slept.
When I woke up, I felt emotionally lifted. I still have pain. I still have healing to go. But I have hope and peace. I still need answers. But my faith is stepping in. I remember when I have had real healing through Christ. So I invited Him in. Through His grace, His atonement, I seek greater healing to release all the built up pain from strong emotions that I have trapped in my body. I thank my body for taking care of me. I acknowledge that while there were good reasons I took on those beliefs as a child, I can release them now. I open the door to Christ’s healing and inspiration. He will help me find the positive ways that I will acknowledge and release my strong emotions. And even if it is a process, He will be there as I peel off one layer at a time, just as he has guided and helped me all these years.
I can dream. I don’t know what lies in the future. But it is alright to hope to live next to my sister when the program my husband is building is established and we leave this country. And since we are stepping into music and healing through music we will share how music heals us and enable others to feel that emotional release through our music. After all, Music is the universal language. It can penetrate the body and soul in ways almost nothing else can. This is the gift we want to give others. And God showed me once again that is the gift He has given me. In gratitude I offer it back to Him and all His children.