Monday February6, 2017
I am starting an experiment. A big experiment. It is an experiment because I don’t have any guarentees that it will work out the way I hope it does. However like scientific experiments it isn’t without foundation. I am pulling together things I have learned my whole life and mixing it with more recent things like the “laws of attraction, gestation,” etc.
My experiment: to see if I can trade out playing media games and attract money. I hypothesize that if the goal is big enough and important enough and crazy enough it will keep me committed and focused enough that in trading out one of my weaknesses I will make room for greater inspiration to achieve the large financial goal. So here is my crazy experiment. Get $5,000 a month towards our plans for each month I don’t play any media games.
The important dream:
I dream about adoption. I feel like it is our destiny.
Steps to getting there:
1. Help the kids feel secure in their dreams and importance to us, by a trip to Legoland Denmark while visiting the Swedish grandparents and cousins for a month this summer.
2. Putting a down payment on a house and moving in before the school year starts. (Including an international move from Jordan to Utah.)
3. Buy a reliable family car.
4. Do the home study and post our profiles: do all we can to prepare for the adoption.
Indulging in weaknesses like playing media games. Using it and other non-productive escapes to hide my fears.
The crazy plan: Tell myself I will get what feels like huge chunks of money in exchange for leaving the media games alone.
How I figure: The large amounts needed combined with the timeline we have determined. We want to have the job, and house lined up for the move before we go to Sweden which needs to be before the school year starts. Because our oldest will start 7th grade.
Activities to keep me focused:
Daily entry in this, my experiment journal.
Create a vision board.
Keep working toward the marathon because the health is good and the time with Daniel is incredible for our relationship and helping us discover how we are going to acieve our dreams.
Daily time to ponder and mediate on my core priorities.
Modification to this as needed…excepting will not change the rule: no media games, and the huge amount can’t be lowered. (But I will embrace inspired increases if the come.)
The adoption has been pulling at my heart for a long time and as a couple we have been actively planning towards it for about two years.
There are times I wonder how we can achieve it. Sometimes I wonder if I am up to the task of 7 kids! And there are periods when I even sink and wonder if I am worthy.
It is easy to focus on weaknesses. It is also easy to indulge in things that aren’t as productive or helpful as if it will make the wound of disappointment feel better. In reality it is only like a bandaid. It only hides the sore for a moment. But I know it’s there and the pain won’t go away. Sometimes the bandaid actually makes things worse.
Yesterday night I asked my son if I could play on his tablet. I wanted to check out for a little while. I told myself I’d done enough. That I needed the down time. I knew I was pushing it. My husband was working on a song arrangement for our family “band.” We have a concert coming up. (I was my idea.)
Really, I just wanted to see if i could boost any of 4 or 5 levels to 3 stars in Candy crush. This would be at least the third day out of four that I would play the game.
I know myself. I will keep trying to “beat” the levels until something pulls me away.
So I thought to limit myself with one game. Then I quickly excused that thought. I tried to think of another way to make sure i didn’t get stuck.
I even asked my son how he sets his timer. (We have a rule that there is a timer going to stop him from playing too long. 45 minutes is the limit unless he earns more time through chores.) But I conveniently did not ask him to start the timer. I think in the end I decided I would play until my husband called us together to practice our other song one last time before bed.
My husband came in to talk to me while I was playing. He was kind and patient, working on the arrangement taking into account my brief answers to his questions. Every time a round ended I had to face the choice to quit and give him my full attention or try again to get all the stars. There was some intellectual involvement for my brain I wanted to figure out how to beat it. So I chose playing again. At one point the screen switched as a timer went off. “What’s that?” I asked. “Joseph must have set a timer.” Daniel responded. The screen came back. I played on. I only stopped when I ran out of hearts. I will not spend money to buy more hearts on useless games, so the session was over.
Then I luckily switched gears and soon Daniel and I were discussing my idea from my shower. This led to my idea for a new song and soon we were writing a song together. We finished just in time to rush all the kids to bed in time for our bed time. Well almost.
I woke up in the middle of the night. We actually got to bed by ten last night. The goal was 9:30.
I was frustrated to wake up at 3:30am and know it isn’t enough sleep and yet be unable to sleep.
I do this a lot. I usually try to see it as a gift. During the day there are five kids, their needs, a house, meals and homeschool that constantly demand attention from my thoughts if not my actions. It is so hard fore me think sit down and not do anything but ponder and recharge my spirit.
So the quiet time in the night is my gift. I don’t do anything but ponder read scriptures and pray during these times.
Interestingly, my sleep patterns have become healthier since I started preparing to walk a marathon (with my husband) . But these wakeful periods still happen. As i realized i wasn’t going back to sleep, I wondered why. I walked 30 minutes to the voice lessons I teach and 30 minutes back.
But then I remembered that being awake seems to happen when I have been my worst at taking my daily spiritual recharge. (That is time to ponder and pray. Sometimes it is in the morning before I get going other times it is at night when I am done with the day and ready to sleep.) Its like my spirit is craving the quiet times. Yesterday I had had the thought to read in my scriptures instead of playing Candy Crush but I pushed it away knowing I couldn’t engage in the game later while telling my kids no media time. I was already pushing it since the general rule is no media time after dinner. But they usually give me space/time after dinner. I would read before going to bed.
As I lay in the dark trying to relax after the bedtime stress I realized I had never read. The kids would notice if I turned on the light. And it would prolong the time for them to settle into sIeep. Besides Daniel had been up super late taking care if things on the phone because it was business hours back in the states
So being awake now is must be my gift.
And tonight it led to my adoption experiment. I think this will be good.
(Now I think I will try to get some of those lost 3 hours if sleep. Its a good thing its Daniel’s week off. We can go walking later tomorrow. It’s supposed to be our long walk. 3.5 hours. And I really need to go grocery shopping. That will fill the rest of my day. The birds are already singing.)
Tuesday, 7 February 2017
This is a visual reminder using key words Daniel and I decided on together on our long walk. I created the visual using a house that I found for sale that has many elements of our dream home. I am sure that house won’t be available. And that is ok. I think it will be even better.
Wednesday, 8 February 2017
Wow! It is amazing to me how emotionally hard it is to stay on top when the dream is so outside of the reality of my life right now. That is why it is so critical to involve the affirmations, visualizations involving the senses and emotions, as well as have the accountability of others knowing what we are trying to do.
One of the things that has been hard is not feeling like we are ready to broadcast yet. Unfortunately, I let that lead me to fear I am just getting my hopes up again. And other things seem to take their toll.
We were supposed to have a business meeting today. That fell through. And I didn’t get the kind of response I imagined when I sent out the information about our concert on Valentine’s day. We are doing a music week with the kids as we get their songs ready. They are amazing. We still aren’t ready, but it is well on its way. And I enjoyed working on my part with Daniel. I guess I am finally getting used to learning things from his notes and without a piano.
Anyway I was feeling a bit down and remembered I needed to do my accountability entry. I copied all the stuff from before into here. I felt so happy when I saw the visual reminder. So I need to get some color ink and put it up all over as reminders for me. I did tell the kids that I think I will cry when we get our baby. I got to clarify it would be tears of happiness and relief after all the dreaming and waiting. That would be an appropriate reaction that I don’t mind having.
For the home evening lesson (which we finally did tonight)… I shared some stories from John H Grobergs, book the Fire of Faith. I told the kids miracles still happen today and shared the concept that he keeps reiterating that love and faith transcend time. I didn’t draw any parallels to our own life because those stories and the discussions took enough of the lesson time.
But I like reflecting on that. I have a lot of love for our new family member. And I have faith that our family will receive him/her (or 2).
22 February 2017
I haven’t been writing every day. But I have found something that helps me that I do do every day.
I told Daniel that I needed my affirmation to be simple and set to music. Like what I had done a with money.
Music is such a strong emotional connector. So if you want to program something positive put it to music. Almost 2 years ago, we did some mentoring and breakthrough work with Kris Krohn. After a he facilitated me through a belief breakthrough session about money he gave me an assignment. I couldn’t use any negative money talk for a month. Yikes! No I’m poor, or its hard to make ends meet type statements. He told us that me that I needed to reprogram my brain.
This reprogramming wasn’t necessarily new to me. Lawrence Vingoe, an amazing counselor, helped me with cognitive behavioral therapy after I was diagnosed with depression in England. He helped me work through my self talk about my own value. I had to rephrase statements into accurate positive observations of my life. Back then instead of “I am lazy.” He helped me see, I was on the go all the time with my three very small children, with no breaks and I needed to give myself a break from the “tyranny of the shoulds.” There was a lot more that was involved but in essence as I stopped feeding my mind with negative self talk I gradually felt better about myself.
So fast forward about 7 years and now a mentor was asking me to do basically the same thing but about money. (Adding the breakthrough processes helps accelerate the process of reprogramming the brain.)
I took on the assignment.
On the drive home that night I started singing one of my favorite improv’ go-to songs. “Worked sixteen hours and what do I get, another days over, I’m deeper in debt….” (‘…St. Peter don’t you call me cause I can’t go, I owe my soul to the company store.’)
“HELP!” I stopped mid song. “I can’t sing that song anymore.” I loved playing around with it with Daniel. My first instinct was to feel sad and then a little upset. But then I took it as a challenge. I love the song but if Kris was right about the words we use then I have been programming myself to work overtime and still go in the hole. Which is what had been happening! Not exactly- or NOT AT ALL- what I wanted. But the tune was fun and I have fun playing with it with Daniel. I wanted to maintian the freedom of musical play that I felt the song gave me. So it was time to re-write the lyrics.
After a little trial and error I came up with:
“Work 16 days and what do I get?
Another month’s over and I’m on my jet.
St. Peter when you call me I’ll be ready to go.
But until that day, I’ll serve some more.”
4 day work weeks so we had more family time, and finances that allowed regular travel sounded great to me all the while keeping my commitment to be a contributor to making the world better. It was perfect. So I sang that the next several months and my kids learned the new version by listening to me. When we started our new job it turned out that Daniel only had to work four days a week! (One down). Over the next year and a half we budgeted wisely and carefully so that we could knock out as much debt as possible.
Meanwhile we are zeroing in on what we want to do as a couple and family musically. And as our financial situation continued to improve we started strategizing for how we could adopt as soon as possible. Thus came the Incredible Adoption Experiment. But we needed to stay on task, even better than I had with anything else because this is so important! While we were walking and talking I realized that our current plans for key-note and family performances would add in the monthly element of travel to the version we had been singing. Basically we were fulfilling the reprogramming. I told Daniel, I need a song like that for the adoption.
Then I thought about how I have a good thing going with this song. It is filled with a lot of possitive emotion and energy for me. I also see the success of the reprogramming. So I decided to rewrite the second half. With a little trial and error and input from Daniel, we had a working version. I have been singing it every day, multiple times a day. It truly keeps me focused on the possitive energy of the goal. It keeps me inspired and it is so fun to have the kids, even my four year old singing it with me.
Today we tweaked it just a little more and now I recorded it.
And as soon as I can get it in a format that wordpress allows I will add it.
The new text:
“worked 16 days and what do we get,
another month’s over and we’re on our jet.
Got our familly, house, rockin’ business, car and baby!
Just what comes next, Can’t wait to see.”